Be forewarned: this is not a review of Iron Man, the latest comic-book-turned-blockbuster-film Bevin and I went to see last Sunday at Regal Davis Stadium 5. It is completely irrelevant that the movie was a delightful action-packed romp that didn’t suck like all those other comic-book-turned-blockbuster-films thanks in no small part to Robert Downey Jr.’s acting chops and Jeff Bridges’ having been totally awesome in Big Lebowski so it always rocks to insert his Dude lines into every movie he’s in. We’re here to talk about the trailers!
-The Dark Knight Apple hasn’t put up the trailer I saw yet, but this should get the fact across that the Joker is in it. (Update: correct trailer linked) The Joker’s in it. I’m sure this movie will get a lot of extra asses in seats on account of it being Heath Ledger’s posthumous celluloid appearance, but I was excited about the latest entry in the fat bloated puss-seeping Batman series before his untimely demise. Batman Begins was a wonderful movie despite anything that starts with the word “Batman” being an ADAPTATION of the comic book series of the same name, and its SEQUEL is shaping up to carry on its grittier depiction of Gotham City and its inhabitants with aplomb.
-Hancock
You know what? Normally I wouldn’t give Will Smith a second glance beyond seeing his movies because they’re so shit-tastic, but… I think this one looks like fun. Certainly they’re capitalizing on the general success of superhero movies (more on that below), but taking a comedic slant without it being Superhero Movie is an admirable goal, and Jason Bateman has settled quite comfortably into his stiff Michael Bluth typecasting and made it work for him. And to top it off? ORIGINAL. This is the rare diamond in the rough I love to find amidst all the also-rans.
-The Love Guru
God! Please! No! Not another movie where Mike Myers plays a sexy dude that the ladies all desire to have sex with and also he’s a walking stereotype with a crappy accent! I think this movie might actually be my fault; there was a distinct moment where I was walking down the street and thought to myself: “it sure is a good thing Mike Myers ran the Austin Powers franchise into the ground, and that we will therefore never see another movie like that collective pile of dreck”. Clearly Fate is a cruel mistress that listens in on my internal monologue. Bitch. ORIGINAL, with more offensiveness than you can shake a midget at. And they do. Shake a midget at offensiveness, that is.
-You Don’t Mess With The Zohan
Here’s the one I forgot to mention before. My unconscious mind had almost successfully removed it from memory, but I had to be curious and ask too many questions, and it all came pouring back. At this point I remember asking “Why only one comic book movie trailer? Are no more coming out any time soon, that we have to sit through this bullshit?” One thing is for certain: Rob Schneider will never want for employment as long as Sandler continues to star in movies. ORIGINAL, except for the Prince of Persia/Assassin’s Creed-evoking wall-jumping at the beginning of the trailer. Oh yeah, also it will blow. Adam Sandler and all. (fun fact: Bevin and I simultaneously turned toward each other and grimaced after both this and Love Guru. Great minds, I suppose)
-Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Yay! Somehow the still-bitter taste left in my mouth from the Star Wars prequels has not affected my excitement for this long-rumored SEQUEL to the Indiana Jones series. Maybe I’ve got faith in Harrison Ford, maybe I think Steven Spielberg has the ability to cancel out George Lucas’ immense shittiness, or maybe I’m just really happy to see Marion Ravenwood again, but I have a good feeling about this one. The trailer is pretty generic, and it felt weird to watch a preview for a movie due out in four days, but screw it, Indy is so cool. Lucas had better not fuck this up.
Total: 40% (2/5)
To sum it up: as of a May 18th screening of Iron Man at Regal Davis Stadium 5 in Davis, CA, Hollywood is poised to be 40% unoriginal. Oh, and I didn’t stay ’til the end of the credits, because I knew that the footage couldn’t possibly meet all the hype everyone gave me. I was right. Spoiler alert I guess:
Does anyone actually care that there might be an Avengers movie? The Avengers weren’t cool; I would have been much happier with a straight-up Iron Man sequel, though one isn’t strictly necessary. All it shows me is just how bottom-of-the-barrel they’re getting with the Marvel/DC properties. I’m still holding out for the Aquaman movie. It’s coming, just you wait.
This really just exemplifies the whole reason I keep track of things like Hollywood’s unoriginality. If I hadn’t just dropped $7.50 on a movie ticket, I would talk about how we need to stop going to see comic book superhero movies, so that they stop making them. Please, do your part like I didn’t do.
Oh yeah, one more thing about Iron Man: there were several scenes that would have been better places to insert “Iron Man” then where they put it. I get it, he says “I am Iron Man” and then you play the song, very cute and all, but that riff was begging for an ass-kicking scene.
While perusing the RiffTrax Blog (as is my wont), I came across an entry detailing the fascinating concept of chocolate-covered bacon. But this was different from any other ol’ blog post of the “wouldn’t it be crazy if they combined X and Y” or the Photoshopped picture combining rancid milk and bees variety, because it referenced a real place that sold a real product consisting of bacon dipped in chocolate, and most importantly, a real place that I had access to! So this Mother’s Day, when my mom declared her desire to ride the Giant Dipper at the Boardwalk and eat lunch on the wharf, I had the opportunity to stop by Marini’s at the Wharf! And did!!!
Whether a much braver man than I, or just quicker on the draw, my brother Carlo had the first bite of Amalgamation Christmas. The twisted contortion on his face can only possibly be the result of amazement at the synergistic effects of these seemingly clashing flavors coming together at last.
And here’s me having my fill. Some of the other attendees didn’t feel like finishing off their pieces and handed them off to me. Clearly they couldn’t handle the bacon-powered intense flavor rush.
Final verdict: kinda nasty, but now I can say “I’ve tried chocolate-covered bacon. What have you done with your life?” Of course, I’ll need to quickly vacate the immediate vicinity of the conversation so as to not give them sufficient time to respond.
Any ol’ loser can envision a version of Grand Theft Auto for the NES. Plenty of Flash animators can make a passable simulation. But making a fake commercial for said game in the style of original 80s Nintendo ads? Now that’s enough to get me to embed your video on my fancy blog:
All the game needed was NES Zapper support. Still, truly a title before its time.
I went down to my local GameStop last night to try my luck at the tournament scene (got KO’d in sudden death first round), and to stand in line to pick up my copy of Super Smash Bros. Brawl at midnight. The crowd was hyped up and enthusiastic, and the tournament-goers were all good sports. I saw some wonderful homemade costumes so great that I had to snap a few photos:
I stayed up for hours playing the game last night, and did another huge marathon session today. This game is a marked improvement on the GameCube title in almost every way (no more sideways midair dodge? You’re killin’ me Smalls!), the online battles are absolutely wonderful, Subspace Emissary is the best single-player campaign they’ve ever offered (if you’ve ever played the Halberd level in Kirby Superstar, it’s kinda like that: long, epic, difficult, awesome; probably helps a lot that HAL Laboratories made both games)… I finally had to take a break to catch my breath. But you can be sure I’m up for taking on any challenger. Bring it, as they say.
Excuse me, but what was that you just said? Here I was, minding my own business writing entries for my highly successful award-winning weblog on the Internet, when you had to come along on your high horse and issue me a Smash Bros. challenge! Me, of all people!
Now please understand, Smash Bros. Challenger, that I don’t mean to brag when I say this, but when one is the best Smash Bros. player that ever lived, it would be unfair to himself as well as to his challenger if he tried to deny this simple fact of life. Suffice to say, I’m the best Smash Bros. player that ever lived.
I suppose I can relate with your situation. You’re a rookie, green around the gills, a newcomer to the whole video game scene, and you want to make a name for yourself. You played a few rounds of Melee and think you’re pretty hot shit with Sheik (but not Zelda? Man, learn to exploit the full range of your fighter!), and you feel like you’re in a position to take down the reigning champion. I get it, I really do.
It’s just that you’re a fool.
Do you really think you’ve got what it takes to beat me, Smash Bros. Challenger? Do you think talking the big talk about challenging me to a game of Super Smash Bros. Brawl makes you a man? I would laugh derisively at your brazenness if I felt like acknowledging your feeble attempts to look tough. You ain’t tough.
More importantly, do you think you’re the first challenger to saunter down the main street, hands at the holster? Plenty have tried, and you sure as hell don’t see them lookin’ you square in the eye right now, do you? Look all around you, and you’ll see the decaying bodies of thousands of other twerps who thought they could take on the best. That’s right, I didn’t clean up afterward. I left them all there as a warning to those who might oppose me in the future. You’ll get used to the smell.
Again, this is not intended to be a review for the movie mentioned in the thread title. The fact that Be Kind Rewind (which I saw with my family on 2/24 at Regal Santa Cruz 9) was a superb movie that managed to retain that delightful charm of Michel Gondry (despite being, for all intents and purposes, a straight-up comedy) is not the issue at hand, but rather the relative unoriginality of upcoming film releases (see previous post for enlightenment on the subject).
Surprise movie time!
-Never Back Down
Or as I like to call it: “UFC The Movie”. I’d love to make the derivative call on this one for being a blatant promotional film for the Ultimete Faghting Champtionship, but strictly speaking this is more like your standard sports film, unoriginal in every respect except for the precise origin of its script. ORIGINAL, and the main character looks like a reincarnation of Tom Cruise.
-Run, Fat Boy, Run
I’m a big fan of Simon Pegg’s work (and work to be?), so this trailer went over well with me. And Hank Azaria?!? Sign me up! I actually saw the teaser originally, which doesn’t convey the plot very well at all, but I fully intended to see it anyway. You all should too, as it appears to be ORIGINAL.
-Baby Mama
Whatever reaction I get when I see Simon Pegg onscreen, I get the exact opposite reaction with Tina Fey. She may have gussied herself up a little bit compared to her Saturday Night Live days, but I see through her act. She’s still as smarmy and annoying as ever, and bringing in her SNL friends isn’t going to help any. I was especially depressed to see John Hodgman in this trailer, because I worship the ground he walks on. Apparently his expert con man tactics aren’t paying the bills if he has to make cameos in this dreck. And even though this is approximately the seven trillionth pregnancy antics film released this year, it’s still probably ORIGINAL enough to beat the system.
-Get Smart
I have to admit, I wasn’t excited about this movie when I originally heard about it. Maybe I was afraid of them pulling an Inspector Gadget (a fair assumption, since Gadget was very similar to Maxwell Smart and voiced by Don Adams). Luckily, humans evolved the capacity to change their minds, like, hundreds of years ago, and Steve Carell appears to be playing the role splendidly. However, as it probably clear by now, this movie is an ADAPTATION of a television show of the same name. I’ll still probably go see it.
-Sex and The City
Ugh. Bleck. Ick. So stupid. Our theater played a TV ad for Lipstick Jungle before the trailers, and the creators were trying to play it up as somehow different from Sex and The City because… it has different actresses in it? All the promotional material I’ve seen for this movie SEQUEL/ADAPTATION seems to be playing off of its success on television, and nothing else. They say trailer, but there’s so little footage that one could only really call it a teaser. I’m a sucker for Chris Noth (apparently he’s dreamy? All I know is that he’s the best detective on Law & Order: Criminal Intent), but don’t expect me to drop the Hamilton come May.
Total: 40% (2/5)
In summary: as of a February 24th screening of Be Kind Rewind at Regal Santa Cruz 9 in Santa Cruz, CA, Hollywood was on track to be 40% unoriginal. Thanks for playing, and please go see Be Kind Rewind at your earliest convenience. Here’s Michel Gondry’s sweded version of the trailer!
I’d like to take a brief moment to express my profound gratitude to Laura, the nice lady that handled my order over the phone. I was having trouble getting the shopping cart system to work via the website, so I called them directly. Not only did she place my order quickly, she was very receptive to my love of some random old cartoon show. She encouraged me to drop her company an email to let them now how much I wanted the rest of the DVD volumes to be produced (the answer is a lot), and I did so almost immediately, but I figured a mention on some no-name blog on the Innertubes would also be in order. Thanks Laura! It’s refreshing to see a company not only release classic content on DVD, but to go the extra mile with merchandising and responsiveness to the fans’ requests. If anyone here orders this DVD set, let Laura know how awesome she is.
Last Saturday, I went to see Jumper at AMC Saratoga 14 with a few friends. This isn’t a review of Jumper… well, Jumper sucked and blew, and it was dumb. There, I reviewed it. But this entry’s primary purpose isn’t to review Jumper, it’s to showcase a little game I made up awhile back. When you go out to see a movie, pay close attention to the trailers. Add one to the count for every:
-Remake (a newer version of a previously released movie) (Ocean’s Eleven, The Italian Job)
-Sequel (slash prequel slash interquel slash etc.; a movie taking place within the chronology of a previously released movie) (Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace, Land of the Dead)
-Adaptation (a movie based on a previous non-movie work, like a book, play, real life event, what have you) (I Am Legend, Iron Man)
Count each trailer that meets one of these conditions (movies that match multiple criteria still count as one, though they make interesting case studies and should be noted for posterity), and compare it to the total number of trailers, and you have a percentage that represents how many upcoming films are “unoriginal”. Of course, plenty of movies that don’t fall under these criteria are unoriginal in a multitude of other ways (entries in well-defined genres, ripoffs of other movies, some guy getting kicked in the crotch, and so on), but I’ll go out on a limb and say that my definition of an unoriginal film is a far less forgivable instance. How many times do we need to see The Incredible Hulk on the big screen (at least two, apparently)? I’d much rather see another Michel Gondry movie with whimsically low-budget special effects than another James Bond crapfest. With this game, we get a general idea about how the coming months will play out in terms of originality in Hollywood. If we sample enough movies, we might even be able to glean some useful data and (God willing) throw together some Excel spreadsheet charts!
On with the trailers!
-The Happening
I’m very excited about this one. We haven’t had an M. Night Shammalammadingdong movie for a few years now, and I’m eager to see if he can top Lady in the Water, arguably the shittiest film of all time. The presence of Mark Wahlberg and a seemingly pointless reference to Colony Collapse Disorder in the trailer are icing on the cake as far as I’m concerned. While the Wikipedia mentions that this script started as a live-action adaptation of Avatar: The Last Airbender (man, that would have been a really stupid idea), it no longer carries this distinction, and is therefore ORIGINAL.
-Street Kings
Keanu Reeves is at the top of his game when portraying a renegade cop who doesn’t play by the rules, so this will probably be good watchin’. I’m always sad to see more capable actors like Forest Whitaker get dragged down though. And looking at these credits, I see at least two rapper names (”Common” and “The Game”). Oh yeah, this’ll be good shit. But a cursory scan of the credits also doesn’t reveal the phrase “based on a short story by” or anything of that kind, so we’ve got another ORIGINAL on our hands.
-Wanted
Noble assassins that curve bullets around corners! It’s clear that these trailers were made just for me. What could have potentially been a freakish long streak of originality is blissfully broken by this ADAPTATION of a comic book miniseries.
-WALL-E
Pixar can do no wrong, and like every other film they’ve made, this one is 100% ORIGINAL. Though the robot’s resemblance to R.O.B. and Johnny Five is intriguing, I won’t hold it against them if the movie is up to their usual standards of excellence.
-10,000 BC
This film slides by on a technicality. Though it, as historical fiction, is loosely based on real life, it is not based on any specific real event, and therefore is ORIGINAL. The CGI blows though. So that’s something.
-The Bank Job
My brain didn’t retain any knowledge of this trailer after the film, so I’m glad I wrote it down so as to look up the video later. Wait, maybe “glad” isn’t the word I was looking for. There’s like sex and bank robberies and a bumbling ensemble cast and and other cliché bullshit, but the trailer proudly proclaims to be based on a true story, so it gets the dishonorable ADAPTATION stamp of disapproval. Oh yeah, and it sullies The Clash by playing London Calling at the end. Boo.
Total: 33.3% (2/6)
So as of a February 16th screening of Jumper at AMC Saratoga 14 in Saratoga, CA, Hollywood was slated to be 33.3% unoriginal. Honestly, this is one of the best scores I’ve ever seen in my thus-far limited tallying, but now we’ve got hard data! Give this game a try the next time you go to the movies, and I’ll post your results (include date and location of viewing; the more random data, the better the pie charts!).
On a sidenote, “Hollywood Unoriginality Ratio” makes a great acronym to describe these dumb movies. Go me.
Still disheartened by those lucky Japanese kids playing Super Smash Bros. Brawl over a month ahead of us, I thought I’d console myself with a little bit of the previous entry in the series, Super Smash Bros. Melee. This was the sparkling diamond amid a sea of GameCube coal. It came out less than a month after the ‘Cube’s stateside release, and I played it almost daily for a long time. Even after unlocking all the characters and stages and sound tests, I still kept playing. The game had an amazingly well-refined balance and complexity to it that made each experience unique. I quite literally saw something new every time I played that game. Though the occasional Super Mario Sunshine or Resident Evil 4 would momentarily attract my attention, I’d always come back to Melee. I played and loved the original N64 game, but Melee surpassed it in every way. Only in the past year have I seriously neglected the game, but it wasn’t out of lack of enjoyment. My hope was to approach Brawl from a fresh perspective, untainted by Melee’s now antiquated graphics and control scheme. I want to be on the same play level as everyone else come release day. But since release day is now as far back as March 9th, I figured there wouldn’t be much harm in a little nostalgic run-through.
So I was sad to find that my save data was corrupted.
I guess six years is a long time to continually write and rewrite to a data file, but damnit, I had a lot of data! I had amassed thousands of hours (yes, thousands) of play time, fallen countless thousands of miles, and Link had racked up an impressive KO percentage. Kind of a bummer for all that to just disappear. Guess I’ll be making backups of such things in the future.
There, I said it. I’ll even go so far as to say it again:
There is no good reason for Super Smash Bros. Brawl’s release to be delayed over a freakin’ month after the Japanese release this week.
What have we been looking at all these months on the Smash Bros. Dojo? Screenshots and videos, every single one of them containing text or spoken dialogue in English. Clearly translation has been hand in hand with game development throughout the entire process. So how come Japan gets the game in January, and we have to wait until March? I wish Nintendo would offer explanations beyond “delays in the completion”. If the game’s coming out in Japan this week, it is finished.
When Melee came out on the GameCube back in December ‘01, it had been a mere two weeks since the Japanese release. Both games had the option to switch languages. I can’t understand what the holdup could possibly be getting this game stateside.
Nintendo: I was willing to put up with a several-month delay, but this latest one doesn’t even make any sense.
Also: that last statement doesn’t actually mean anything, because I’m still going to buy the game when it comes out, so obviously I’m gonna have to put up with the delays. But that doesn’t mean I have to be happy about the situation.
Be forewarned: this is not a review of Iron Man, the latest comic-book-turned-blockbuster-film Bevin and I went to see last Sunday at Regal Davis Stadium 5. It is completely irrelevant that the movie was a delightful action-packed romp that didn’t suck like all those other comic-book-turned-blockbuster-films thanks in no small part to Robert Downey Jr.’s acting chops and Jeff Bridges’ having been totally awesome in Big Lebowski so it always rocks to insert his Dude lines into every movie he’s in. We’re here to talk about the trailers!
While perusing the RiffTrax Blog (as is my wont), 
Any ol’ loser can envision a version of Grand Theft Auto for the NES. Plenty of Flash animators can make a passable simulation. But making a fake commercial for said game in the style of original 80s Nintendo ads? Now that’s enough to get me to embed your video on my fancy blog:
Brawl is out! Brawl is out! Brawl is out!
Excuse me, but what was that you just said? Here I was, minding my own business writing entries for my highly successful award-winning weblog on the Internet, when you had to come along on your high horse and issue me a Smash Bros. challenge! Me, of all people!
Again, this is not intended to be a review for the movie mentioned in the thread title. The fact that Be Kind Rewind (which I saw with my family on 2/24 at Regal Santa Cruz 9) was a superb movie that managed to retain that delightful charm of Michel Gondry (despite being, for all intents and purposes, a straight-up comedy) is not the issue at hand, but rather the relative unoriginality of upcoming film releases (
Last Saturday, I went to see 
There, I said it. I’ll even go so far as to say it again:
